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| (joke.23) In Heaven?:
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he
made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I
have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all
afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at
night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Arizona ." | | |
| (joke.22) The Republican Fisherman:
A woman in a hot
air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted
a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
The man consulted
his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, about 30
feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You're at
31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes
west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered
the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I
have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the
man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen
to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but, somehow, now it's my fault."
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| (joke.21) The Queen's Breast:
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. | | |
| (joke.20) Obsessions:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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| (joke.19) Life Explained:
On the first day, God created the dog and said: Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years. The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years." But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80." "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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